I could see for miles, miles, miles

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. By, Noah and the Whale

Madeline Mae here.

I felt this song (above) was appropriate for this past week. I have no idea what a reflection piece is supposed to look like after spending five weeks abroad. I have a feeling there is no exact way to do it, and my way will involve some ramblings and a lot of parenthesis to keep my thoughts on track. My method of reflection has consisted of crawling in my bunker (the couch to be exact), making ramen (yes, I enjoy ramen in situations other than the desperation of a college apartment and the apocalypse), watch The Tudors on Netflix, and avoid the rush of emotions threatening to make me look at them, and, heaven forbid, deal with them.

Well that lasted maybe a couple of days. Then slowly, ever so subtly, my morning coffee just wasn't doing it. Going for a run couldn't relieve the stress in the cathartic way it had in the past. My insides were groaning for something to comfort them, and so, the Lord patiently waited for me to run back to the spot He's prepared for me, and let me let it all go. I couldn't enjoy where I was anymore without remembering where I'd been, what I'd learned, and the yearning for travel that had engulfed my prickly stomach. There will always be a letdown after a trip. Always. I don't care how strong of a person you are, how much you love God, or if you require coffee or tea in the mornings. Once you experience something big, where you taste a life you didn't know you wanted more of, there is no way you can keep swallowing such large helpings of it all. Yes a long metaphor, but stay with me for one more sentiment.

The bottom line is: I refused to digest because I wanted to keep re-tasting it.
That doesn't work.

Praise God that he is not confined to my limited way of seeing Him as I used to as simply "loving" or "faithful" or the God who listened to ME instead of the other way around. Understand that I know He IS those things to the absolute full, but He is so much more. My God is persistent-with my stubbornness, with my affection, with the parts of me I deemed unlovable a long time ago. My God is sneaky, in the best most joyous way; not in a conniving way, but sneaky like your best friend is sneaky when they plan your surprise birthday party and tears well up from your suddenly warm soul to the brim of your eyes. God planned the greatest surprise party of my life: He sent me abroad with my sister.

I can't keep answering what my favorite part was without simply saying, "The Lord!" The Lord was my favorite part. He didn't just tell me, but gave me living examples that people are good. Kind, even. To be cautious, but to let go a little bit. Not something I do well, or with much grace. Yes the world is not as flowery as the front of a mother's day card, but it's not as dark as I had declared it to be. I kept hearing the same question echo in my head, it was the softest voice whispering assurance to my frantic thoughts, do you not trust me enough to save you? To keep you safe? I think answering yes to the Spirit was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and it took weeks. Do you know how long that felt? Thats about two dozen subway rides feeling nervous about my belongings, it's over 14 days of a mind swimming in uncertainty, it's hours making sure everything is perfect, it's numerous conversations with my sister about not assuming the worst.

I learned paragraphs of lessons, sentence upon sentence of little things about my personality I never used to consider, and yet, when I came home I didn't want to stare too hard at any of it or I might get dizzy with sudden desires that I knew were beginning to burn within me.
Desires that said things like:
You want to play by different rules
You don't want to be comfortable
You want to keep exploring this glorious, thrilling, intimidating, broken place that your God created
You want to write more than you want to do anything else
There will be doubt you as you do all of this with no money
It will sound naive and foolish
Who's ready for thoughts like that?? Maybe some, but not me. I'm afraid, but not of what God is capable of. Who He is, is simply irresistible. What He asks me to do is terrifying. So naturally, I said yes.

Look, I've walked away from this trip with stories (some hilarious), and I'd love to tell you all of them. It would make sense to have a nicely packaged "backpacking through Europe" time in my life and then a sense of going back to the way things were. But I can't go back, those pastries really made an impression on me (kidding, kind of). But in all honesty, there's a direction I didn't have before. It's not even a very clear direction as we normally think of them, but a clearer view of the finish line. At the end of all this, I see the Lord, and He is waiting for me.